I wrote early on in this writing journey: What I discovered early on in this writing journey was that there was only one way to lighten the ‘MotherLoad’ I was carrying: to journey towards my own truth. The truth really was the only way to set myself free, to find love and liberation. This is my story...
A dear friend and psychologist once told me that your if you tell your own story enough times, it really does become YOUR STORY. In other words, the more you hear it, the more cemented it becomes. There's comfort in seeking and finding meaning and TRUTH and reason in our lives, especially when you have kids.
When my second pregnancy showed me 'my darkest edges', and panic attacks, anxiety and depression entered my life, the story of ME was shattered, for good. I had to find a new, more fluid way of living, and that included how I talked and wrote about my life.
When I made a commitment to telling the truth in my motherhood writing - the good, the bad and the ugly - I was committing to truth of-the-moment. I soon realised my personal truth was always based on what I saw and felt at the time. And when you're sleep deprived you're looking at life through really foggy glasses.
In a Mum Sanctuary video blog I did called The Little Things, I talk about the experience of noticing, for the first time all the cute and idosyncratic things my baby girl does. Once she learnt how to sleep, and I took off my foggy glasses, it was as if I saw the sunlight on her face for the first time. And we fell in love.
Only weeks before I spent most of the time wishing she were asleep, or would just stop bloody crying and biting me. With sleep and hindsight comes the chance to reflect and grow and regain a sense of self...
MY TRUTH AS I SEE IT...(for now)
I used to believe motherhood was something I could do part-time, when I wasn't working or sleeping. I believed I could 'clock off', zone out and compartmentalise and control my life like I used to before I had kids. (How bloody naive)
Now I know my kids are always my kids, every minute of the day. They don't understand deadlines or bills, they can't read schedules or the clock and all they really understand is love.
I used to believe I was only worthwhile when I was a hard-working, productive professional member of society, making loads lots of money, or atleast working really, hard at it!
Now I know I'm at my best - as a person and a mother - when I DON'T have a FULL LOAD!
I used to believe I needed a long to-do list in order to Make Things Happen in my life
Now I know when I make ROOM in my schedule for life to HAPPEN, I'm far more creative in my thinking. Then, only then, the 'flow' starts, the flow of ideas, of chapters, of solutions, and then, without even trying, my whole life flows more easily because I'm going WITH the flow, not AGAINST the natural tide.
I used to believe my moods were my business and that as long as they didn't hear me swear, or hear us fighting, it was OK.
Now I know children feel all tension, smell fear and see a mum's mood like a fast approaching thunderstorm. I know I can choose to put sunshine in their day, just as they do for me...everyday.
I used to believe loving my children was far more important than loving their father.
Now I know that's not true. Love is love. And they need love ALL around them.
More truth to come...
